b:LiNkz

hey you

2005-05-31T19:44:00.000+08:00

sorry for being such a hateful person fullstop.

getting old

2005-05-21T21:33:00.000+08:00

i am gonna miss band
i am gonna miss my section
i am gonna miss my horn
i am gonna miss my teachers
i am gonna miss my friends
i am gonna miss the rooms
i am gonna miss my name on the chair
i am gonna miss playing
i am gonna miss music making
i am gonna miss seeing myself in the mirror in the bandroom
i am gonna miss conducting my section
i am gonna miss being young
i am gonna miss the days in band
i am gonna miss being scolded
i am gonna miss the journey
i am gonna miss the pathetic brooms
i am gonna miss the dark corridor in the night
i am gonna miss running through the dark corridor with my friends
i am gonna miss carrying percussion instruments
i am gonna miss exchange programmes
i am gonna miss concert
i am gonna miss everything about band
haha. i am old:))

perservere`

2005-05-07T15:11:00.000+08:00

Your Birthdate: July 30

Your birthday on the 30th day of the month shows individual self-expression is necessary for your happiness.

You tend to have a good way of expressing yourself with words, certainly in a manner that is clear and understandable.

You have a good chance of success in fields requiring skill with words.

You can be very dramatic in your presentation and you may be a good actor or a natural mimic.

You have a vivid imagination that can assist you in becoming a good writer or story-teller.

Strong in your opinions, you always tend to think you are on the right side of an issue.

There may be a tendency to scatter your energies and have a lot of loose ends in your work.

You may have significant artistic talent and be very creative.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

got this from wandas blog..
and the discrption is so not true..
anyway... just to lt everybody know when my birthday is...
give urself abt a month to prepare.
haha.

GoLD

2005-04-16T12:52:00.000+08:00

well.. we finally got what we wanted.. maybe we are lucky not to get gold with honour..
one step at a time.
our descendants have to keep up witht the standard or keep improving.
i feel damm proud for the teachers that support us.. i am gonna miss them after stepping down
oh goodness.. i cant believe i am saying this.. but i am gonna miss my instrument and the conductor.
thank you for saying that you are proud to be our teacher.
that is the most touching sentence u ever said.
hah

woo hoo

2005-04-12T21:03:00.000+08:00

im gonna set my skirt on fire tml!!!!!

6 more days

2005-04-07T22:35:00.000+08:00

Soon....
pray for the band
you can do it.. you have yet to prove me wrongly.
nearly there but not there
i believe you can do it..
but are u trying hard enough?
althought i do make some silly mistakes..
we all do..
but that doesnt mean you can commit this mistakes all the time.
aim for gold..

SYF is a planned sequence of events

recollection

2005-04-02T23:06:00.000+08:00

singapore rhapsody.
before bar 9
soft tongue, no slurring
crescendo not harsh.
hold full value for the last note
bar 13
listen for length of note
must be equal length
tip of the tongue
play crotchet as quaver
crescendo when queen victoria arrives
do not play slow part
project semi quaver
do not rush
sense of pulse must be there
bar 37
must play together with reka and alison
crescendo to bar 49 (more)
bar 49
more accent
tongue more
faster air speed
do not rush those triplets
bar 64
more accent on singopation(sp error) 2nd and 4th notes
tongue more.
crescendo G
bar 77
B natural dont mispitch
must be together
watch mr tan
take 4 quaver beats of breathe
do not play bar 89
grandioso must be impressive.
push more air for high G

the merry widow.
starting
clear articulation
more tongue on accent notes
do not rush those accent notes
figure one
hold up horn
more in between notes
ring but not blast
decrescendo those 4 quavers after chord
C must be under euphonium
later.. mf f ff
marcia
clear tonguing
sense of pulse
play soft at that bar and crescendo
semi quaver must be loud and not hidden
triplets must be together with crescendo
waltz
light
ta ta loud soft
short
107 play those crotchet loud but must preserve the claer tonguing and not long
chord must be tight that the judges want to eat them
ahahahah part
push low notes
dynamic contrast
crescendo and decrescendo the trumpet part
piu mosso
tongue and slur on the right time
figure 12
crescendo and push more air and play louder on those 4 notes
bar 217
tongue sadly he sighed
push more air on the first notes wih clear tonguing
push air to the climax
listening more tuning
bar 238
off beats!!!!!! pulse
the first three notes when we come in mf f ff and go soft again
crescendo
horn mutes. TONGUE PROPERLY AND ON TIME AND IT IS Fp DO NOT SUSTAIN
bar 321
do your best and keep time
dont count but feel the pulse

overall
watch
count
listen
feel

as a good cultured saint margarets band member we must always use please, say thank you and ure welcomed and SMILE!! :))

perseverance

2005-04-01T20:06:00.000+08:00

AIR AIR AIR AIR AIR AIR AIR AIR AIR AIR AIR AIR AIR AIR AIR AIR AIR AIR AIR AIR AIR AIR AIR

another day

2005-03-23T19:48:00.000+08:00

yea.. another boring day
and tml.. i have to run 6 rounds for PE

spongebob squarepants

2005-03-20T12:43:00.000+08:00

Are you ready kids?
aye aye captain
i cant hear you
aye aye captain
who lives in a pineppple under the sea
Spongebob SquarePants
Absorbent and yellow and porous is he
Spongebob Squarepants
If nautical nonsence be something you wish
Spongebob Squarepants
Then drop on the deck and flop like a fish
Spongebob Squarepants

Spongebob squarepants
Spongebob squarepants
Spongebob squarepants
Spongebob squarepants!

movie

2005-03-19T21:40:00.000+08:00

spongebob squarepants rocks.
the movie is so nice
u should watch it

sigh

2005-03-18T22:23:00.000+08:00

have to sit on two chair..
could not breathe properly
cant even put my legs on the floor
bbad day after all

moody

2005-03-17T21:55:00.000+08:00

im bothered by ur comment.

sad

2005-03-16T19:17:00.000+08:00

i feel like a very lousy person

nice day

2005-03-08T19:47:00.000+08:00

well.. had an exchange programme with temasek wind esemble. they had a really great, nice, friendly and fun horn section.. haha.. i think today was a band practice to make friends rather than music exchange. haha.

to all the temasek horn section members..
really glad to know u guys and girls. and u really sounded good..
full and rich tone like a big teddy bear.
hope u have enjoy ur time here.
and hopefully.. we will have our syf on the same day.

since you've been gone

2005-02-18T20:12:00.000+08:00

Here's the thing we started off friends
It was cool but it was all pretend
Yeah yeah
Since you've been gone

You dedicated you took the time
Wasn't long till I called you mine
Yeah Yeah
Since you've been gone

And all you'd ever hear me say
Is how I pictured me with you
That's all you'd ever hear me say

But since you've been gone
I can breathe for the first time
Im so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you
Now I get
What I want
Since you've been gone

How can I put it? you put me on
I even fell for that stupid love song
Yeah yeah
Since you've been gone

How come I never hear you say
I just wanna be with you
I guess you never felt that way

But since you've been gone
I can breathe for the first time
Im so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you
Now I get
I get what I want
Since you've been gone

You had your chance you blew it
Out of sight, out of mind
Shut your mouth I just can't take it
Again and again and again and again

Since you've been gone
I can breathe for the first time
Im so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you)
Now I get
I get what I want
I can breathe for the first time
Im so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you)
Now I get (I get)
You should know (you should know)
That I get
I get what I want
Since you've been gone
Since you've been gone
Since you've been gone

should i??

2005-01-27T19:33:00.000+08:00

hmm.. another week had past...
PE sucks big time... it was draining me..
it is so freaking intensive..
and he can really run fast...
wo pei fu de wu ti tou di!
tomorrow i am going to have tuition with mrs towey.
I cant wait... it is so exhilarating..
haha.. yea.. i know.. i exaggerated.
oh well.. hungry..
speaking of hungry...
my school sure have a VERY GOOD PLAN for RECESS.
very well done indeed.
the queue will be so long that it had tempted so many students to CUT-Q!
on mon and tue.. practically the whole is having recess.
and so by the time we queue up and bought our food.. we would have 5 mins left to eat.
SCHOOL!! ARE YOU TRAINING US TO EAT FAST?
we have to eat ya know?
why dont you give us one hour for recess with the whole school having recess at the same time?
or are you trying to make us have a diet?
so is this a gracious lifestyle?
obviously NO..
and if u find pp eating in the class?? dont blaame us?
blame our stomach? or should you blamee YOURSELF?
i think you do need a reflection upon ur planning cause it really sucks!!!!! and it do sucks big time..
sorry for being offensive but im stating facts.. plainly facts.. no biasness.

im here!

2005-01-20T19:53:00.000+08:00

okok.. alison . i accept ur invitation. i just detest the life of sec 4 especially when it is the syf year. it is really unbearable. thank goodness there is no band on sat.. i really think i must buck up on my playing. and i have to keep track on my studies as well. sigh. im so tired. will anyone be interested to go to the westwinds cncert with me? it is on the 6 of feb at victoria concert, 5pm. anyone?

i have been having test every week. and it is only the beginning of the year and i really dread doing it. but i do not have a choice right. having my 'o's this year. i must be at my best tip top behavior.wahaha. dear every god in this universe. i prayed that u give me the strength and determination to concentrate and not to play around. i have to work hard every minute when im suppose to. thank you. :)

really hope i will do well in my exam!
hehe
all the best to me!

happy belated new year

2005-01-07T19:12:00.000+08:00

well... im finally updating. had a really great time in thailand. i know some of my friends were concern whether i was affected by the tsunami, but u did not have to greet me in msn in this manner, "YOU ARE STILL ALIVE?" oh man... what great friends i have. haha. well i laughed at it since it was so typical of that friend of mine.

my mother definitely had a motive in insisting that the family go to thailand last year. my brother was going to become a monk. well.. my mother certainly was touched by this ceremony. she teared. tears were welling in her eyes. she seldom cry.
well.. i tried to control my tears and i made it. he had his head shaved bald. it was so clean that it shines. and he could not stop touching it. i thought he was bored and well.. trying to make his hair grow faster. he also had his eyebrow shaved clean. he definitely looked like a sick person to me. hence, i learnt that eyebrow is very important to the image of a person.

oh ya.. in case u are wondering where the ceremony was held, it was held in a kampong area: bunglai. dont really know the exact spelling. life is truthfully very boring there. there wasnt any shopping u can do unless u travel about 1h to nakornsawan. there is a shopping centre there. yea.

it was really an eye-opening for me. i had bonded pretty well with my cousins there.(they are much better than the ones i have in singapore)

well. i actually have a lot to say about my trip. i celebrated birthdays, went shopping bought gifts, a bag and the list goes on.
but i hate to type for such a long time. i better go and take my dinner! byeee

pondering

2004-11-16T18:38:00.000+08:00

i really wonder who are the people can i trust
she looks so innocent
but is her heart like one?

sometimes friends tell me secrets
and the secrets do contradict each other
who can i believed?

i may not be the perfect person to keep secrets
but at least i did control myself and not leak out any secrets!
*a pat on my back

i always admire pple who have tons of friends to celebrate their birthday with them
or when the friends had a surprise with them
im very envy for this type of pple
and they always have wonderful gifts
lots of them
every year
but with ur close friends not knowing when was your birthday is a really very sad thing.
must u tell them that ur birthday is coming soon?

i know that this is a stupid thing
but it makes me feel very insignificant
i dun feel existed in the world

yea... people and friends are so unpredictable
u never know when they will turn their backs on you
u really never know
and can never figure it out

blank

2004-11-15T18:16:00.000+08:00

im so so bored.
2004 is passing by fast.
faster than i had expected

i simply loves the days of holidays
u just laze around
hang out with friends
so carefree
haha.
but it is boring too
horribly boring.
watching 3 movies yesterday

vanhelsing
the prince and me
bring it on again

vanhelsing is superb.

the prince and me is romantic

bring it on again
hmm.. i only like the cheerleading part. that is why im so interested to watch it.
haah
anyway

SELEMAT HAI RAYA

bOrEd

2004-11-14T21:19:00.000+08:00

bored
so bored
very bored
horribly bored
i cant stand it.
have to but no choice to play text twist
bwahahahahahahah.
im starting to get antsy
very very antsy
but i simply loves holiday
no stress
no test
nothing.
heh heh.

leaving singapore in less than a month.
oh gosh
am i so excites
cant wait to see my cousins
and my brother becoming bald

wahahahah.
but im going to buy lots of presents for my friends
hah..
better treat me nicely
beg me nicely to buy a gift for ure

haha..
beg kay?
u can bawl and crawl
up to u.
indulge me.

testing

2004-11-04T19:49:00.000+08:00

hmmm.. it is quite nice to write in this font right? it feels so great. ain't im right???

X-change programme

2004-11-04T19:37:00.000+08:00

haah. today had an exchange programme with SJC
got to meet with one girl who plays the horn too
if im not wrong her name is yani
haha.
she is very friendly.
very nice.
but today was a very tiring band practice
i was having a mile headache in the bus.
and rina's joke was so so cold
for eg.
where did happy go?
LUCKY
why?
happy-go-lucky

another one.
what is the surname of happy?
lee
why?
happily

haha.. how lame can she be.

bOrEd

2004-11-02T19:44:00.000+08:00

got our syf set piece.
quite nice
but doesnt seem to be easier than the tales of the sea
hmm.. trying out sumthing different
HEY

hehe

2004-11-01T18:19:00.000+08:00

phwee!
o level chinese is finally over.
paper is quite tough for me.
hha expected.
just not he material for languages.
tee hee.
i feel like screaming at the top of my voice.
hah
b4 i do that.. let me thank
.kristen
.jeanette
.alison
.raywne
.jinfeng
for giving me luck for my o level chinese
im so so so touched

pearl harbor

2004-10-18T11:45:00.001+08:00

wahaha... pearl harbor is so so so freaking nice
haha.. cant wait for part 2 to be played at the later part fo the day
dun understand why they have to split the movie into two
cant they show it after news??
and they can show bacholerette today
so so nice
and he is quite good looking too
haha....

i m on cloud nine

2004-10-14T21:11:00.000+08:00

i am so so happy
i feel so free
haha... went out with arianne sandy zhen yan and lousie
went to watch wimbeldon
hmm.. it is alright
the match is so so so so exciting
and there is this girl beside who cant stop shaking her legs
so irritating
cause i felt the movement too
cant watch the movie properly
and next, we went to take neoprints

hehe.. time flies.. by the time the neoprint is taken
it was 6 pm..
and next we went to taka.. i was hoping to buy the stationary but it wasnt appealing to me.
yea
anyway.. all the best who are still taking there exam tmr

brrr

2004-10-13T17:33:00.000+08:00

grace is so freaky scary today
she is like one mad lion in the zoo
she was shouting all the way
i have been wondering?
is she faking or is it reality
but her crying is so fake
and she is so rude to the counsellor
and she is also very mean to tiffany too
i was so afraid that she might flare up and beat somebody
she even tried to 'commit suicide' with a divider
previously she tried it with a plastic ruler if im not wrong..
now a divider
i sometimes feel like shouting to her to go ahead and die..
and she might stop
but what if she really kill herself?
but even karin thinks that grace is acting
but i really thinks that people who commit suicide is very selfish
they do not think about their parents
they only think for themselves
hmm.. tomorrow is the last day for my exam
haha... i have chinese paper 2 and a maths paper one.
hehe... no time to relax..
better study.

check this out

2004-10-12T16:08:00.000+08:00

What will your last words be? by cum_on_bitch
Your LJ username
Your real name
Your sex
Your age
Your last words will be...	"MMMM MORE FOOD!"

Quiz created with MemeGen!

so unlucky

2004-10-11T11:18:00.000+08:00

sad case for me today..
did not know how to do a maths paper one
im dead meat.
and something came which is unexpected
hence
i got panic
and i cant do a lot of questions
i did not manage to finish my paper.
have to get prepared to face my results..
what done is done.
no use brooding over it.
hopefully. a maths paper two would be better for me.
have to focus on my other subjects.
give me ur belssings..
hehe

??

2004-10-10T13:26:00.001+08:00

did u guys even read the story below..
it is like so damm touching
and i had no comments at all??

^.^

2004-10-10T13:19:00.000+08:00

just hates exam..
cant watch television programmes..
my favourite television programme...
cant even watch for one hour...
had to get nagged by the man of the house
who holds so much authority
and i a poor little sheep had no chioce but to drag my feet back to room
cant wait for this thursday..
had my geography e maths paper two and chemistry paper..
and english
all sux big time..
cant help but to feel discorage
my battle morale it low
way to low..
haha...
so dramatic...
at least i get to end one day earlier then my friends..
so what if our school have two papers in one day
it doesnt matter to me
the torment is reduced...
yea... today is sunday...
cant wait for my fair princess 3..
cant be bothered who is acting...
i like the storyline..
yea read one book of theirs and it is in chinese.
and i dun really read chinese books ..
so ... ya... the show should be quite good..
hha...

er..

2004-09-26T17:03:00.000+08:00

kay kay
im back...
it has been a long time since i updated it...
quite lazy... do not know what to write..
erm.. yea.. exams are coming soon
and this friday is my english paper..
not scared at te moment..
but the feeling will come when the time comes..
hmm.. bored... i have been watching televisons if not study...
no other alternatives..
kaykay
this post sux.. but too bad..
im speechless
i tried my best
i even wreck my brain
wad else do u expect

cluster arts II

2004-09-04T23:21:00.000+08:00

what a successful concert...
today was cluster arts part II
attended a workshop by a percussionists..
he was good (duh~~)
haha..
it was a percussion workshop
it was rather enjoyable and fun
we were making music with rubbish bin.. teapot.. washing board etc
i think this workshop was meant to trigger our creativity
i really understand how the percussion feel...
standing throughout band practices..
we stood for abt 6 hours...
can u imagine all the blood on ur feet..
and my shoulder aches
horrible..
but our performance was a great one..
we were like storm
i love jab the best...
hehe...
by the way,, today was hazy.. i could smell it..
once i step out of the music room..
all i could bother was the heat and the smell...
and of course.. i exoected the fire from indonesia..
how smart can i be *chuckles*

cluster arts

2004-09-03T18:37:00.000+08:00

hmmm.... today was cluster arts and the last day of school
to get ready for the september holliday...
issit really a holiday??
i dun think so...
anyway... cluster arts is quite boring... but it is quite fun at some parts
where i can play other pple's instrument
hehe... i can play all of the instrument lor...
am i talented or what... hehe... paiseh....
didnt mean to be so thick skin... cant help it..
haha... found out that cornet is easier and lighter than horn

story

2004-09-01T13:34:00.000+08:00

hehe... thought that this story is nice and touching...
taken from my friend's blog
worth to read and share
it is a true story

Part 1...

A fatal misunderstanding and the person who love me the most in this world is gone forever.

This is a true story, taken from "Family" (dictated by LD, edited by LSX, translated by SaFe).

Cruel misunderstandings one after another disrupted the blissful footsteps to our family. Our original intend of having Mother enjoy some quiet and peaceful moments in her remaining years with us went terribly wrong as destiny's secret is finally revealed at a price, every thing became too late.

Just two years after our marriage, hubby brought up the idea of asking Mother to move from the rural hometown and spend her remaining years with us. Hubby's father passed away while he was still very young. Mother endured much hardship and struggled all on her own to provide for him, see him through to a university degree. You could say that she suffered a great deal and did everything you could expect of a woman to bring hubby to where he is today.

I immediately agreed and started packing the spare room, which has a balcony facing the South to let her enjoy the sunshine and plant some greenery. Hubby stood in the bright room, and suddenly just picked me up and started spinning round and round. As I begged him to put me down, he
said: "Lets go fetch mother." Hubby is tall and big sized and I love to rest on his chest and enjoy the feeling that he could pick me up at any moment put the tiny me into his pockets. Whenever we have an argument and both refuses to back down, he would pick me up and spin me over his head continuously until I surrender and beg for mercy. I became addicte! d to this kind of panic-joy feeling.

Mother brought along her country-side habits and lifestyle with her. For example; I am so used to buying flowers to decorate the living room, she could not stand it and would comment: "I do not know how you young people spend your money, why do you buy flowers for? You also can't eat the flowers!" I smiled and said: "Mum, with flowers in the house, our mood will also become better." Mother continues to grumble away, and hubby smiled: "Mum, this is a city-people's habit; slowly you will get use to it."

Mother stopped saying anything. But every time thereafter, whenever I came home with flowers, she would ask me how much it costs. I told her and she would shake her head and express displeasure. Sometimes, when I come home with lots of shopping bags, she would ask each and every item how much they cost, I would tell her honestly and she would get even more upset about it. Hubby playfully pinched my nose and said: "You little! fool, just don't tell her the full price of everything would solve it." There begins the friction to our otherwise happy lifestyle.

Mother hates it most when hubby wakes up early to prepare the breakfast. In your view, how could the man of the house cook for the wife? At the breakfast table, mother facial expression is always like the dark clouds before a thunderstorm and I would pretend not to notice. She would use her chopsticks and make a lot of noise with it as her silent protest. As I am a dance teacher in the Children's Palace and is exhausted from a long day of dancing around, I do not wish to give up the luxury of that additional few minutes in the comfort of my bed and hence I turned a deaf ear to all the protest mother makes.

From time to time, mother would help out with some housework, but soon her help created additional work for me. For example: she would keep all kinds of plastic bags accumulating them so that she sell them later on, and th! at resulted in our house being filled with all the trash bags; she would scrimp on dish washing detergent when helping to wash the dishes and so as not to hurt her feelings, I would quietly wash they again. One day, late at night, mother saw me quietly washing the dishes, and "Bam" she slams her bedroom door and cried very loudly in her room. Hubby was placed in a difficult position, and after that, he did not speak to me for that entire night. I pretended to be a spoilt child, tried acting cute, but he totally ignored me. I got mad and asked him: "What did I do wrong?" Hubby stared at me and said: "Can't you just give in to her once? we couldn't possibly die eating from a bowl however unclean it is, right?"

After that incident, for a long period of time, mother did not speak to me and you can feel that there is a very awkward feeling hanging in the house. During that period of cold war, hubby was caught in dilemma as to who to please.

In order to sto! p her son from having to prepare breakfast, mother took on the "all important" task of preparing breakfast without any prompting. At the breakfast table, mother would look at hubby happily eating his breakfast and cast that reprimanding stare at me for having failed to perform my duty as a wife. To avoid the embarrassing breakfast situation, I resorted to buying my own breakfast on my way to work.

That night, while in bed, hubby was a little upset and asked me: "LD, is it because you think that mum's cooking is not clean that's why you chose not to eat at home?" He then turned his back on me and left me alone in tears as feeling of unfairness overwhelmed me. After some time, hubby sighed: "LD, just for me, can you have breakfast at home?" I am left with no choice but to return to the breakfast table.

The next morning, I was having porridge prepared by mother and I felt a sudden churn in my stomach and everything inside seem to be rushing up my throat. I trie! d to suppress the urge to throw up but I couldn't. I threw down the bowl and rushed into the washroom and vomited everything out. Just as I was catching my breath, I saw mother crying and grumbling very loudly in her dialect, hubby was standing at the washroom doorway staring at me with fire burning in his eyes. I opened my mouth but no words came out of it, I really didn't mean it.

We had our very first big fight that day; mother took a look at us, then stood up and slowly made her way out of the house. Hubby gave me a final stare in the eye and followed mother down the stairs.

For three days, hubby did not return home, not even a phone call. I was so furious, since mother arrived; I had been trying my best and putting up with her, what else do you want me to do? For no reason, I keep having the feeling to throw up and I simply have not appetite for food, coupled with all the events happening at home, I was at the low point in my life. Finally, a colle! ague said: "LD, you look terrible, you should go and see a doctor."

The doctor confirmed that I am pregnant. Now it became clear to me why I threw up that fateful morning, a sense of sadness floated through that otherwise happy news. Why didn't hubby, and mother who had been through this before, thought of the possibility of this being the reason that day? At the hospital entrance, I saw my hubby standing there. It had only been three days, but he looked haggard. I had wanted to turn and leave, but one look at him and my heart soften, I couldn't resist and called out to him. He followed my voice and finally found me but he pretended that he doesn't know me; he has that disgusted look in his eyes that cut right through my heart.

I told myself not to look at him anymore, and hail a cab. At that moment, I have such a strong urge inside me to shout to my hubby: "Darling, I am having your baby!" and have him lift me up and spin me round in circles of joy. Wh! at I wanted didn't happen and as I sat in the cab, my tears started rolling down. Why? Why our love couldn't even withstand the test of one fight? Back home, I lay on the bed thinking about my hubby, and the disgusted look in his eyes. I cried and wet the corner of the blanket.

That night, sound of the drawers opening woke me up. I switched on the lights and I saw hubby with tears rolling down his face. He was removing the money. I stared at him in silence; he ignored me, took the bank deposit book and some money and left the house. Maybe he really intends to leave me for good. What a rational man, so clear cut in love and money matters. I gave a few dried laugh and tears starting streaming down again.

The next day, I did not go to work. I wanted to clear this out and have a good talk with hubby. I reached his office and his secretary gave me a weird look and said: "Mr Tan's mother had a traffic accident and is now in the hospital." I stood there in sho! ck. I rushed to the hospital and by the time I found hubby, mother had already passed away. Hubby did not look at me, his face was expressionless.

I looked at mother's pale white and thin face and I couldn't control the tears in my eyes. My god, how could this happen? Throughout the furneral, hubby did say a single word to me, with only the occasional disgusted stare at me. I only managed to find out brief facts about the accident from other people. That day, after mother left the house, she walked in dazed toward the bus stop, apparently intending to go back to her old house back in the country-side. As hubby ran after her, she tried to walk faster and as she tried to cross the street, a public bus came and hit her...

I finally understood how much hubby must hate me, if I had not thrown up that morning, if we had not quarreled, if...

In his heart, I am indirectly the killer of his mother.

Part 2...

Hubby mo! ved into mother's room and came home every night with a strong liquor smell on him. And me, I am buried under the guilt and self pity and could hardly breathe. I wanted to explain to him, tell him that we are going to have our baby soon, but each time, I saw the dead look in his eyes, all the words I have at the brink of my mouth just fell back in. I had rather he hit me real hard or give me a big and thorough scolding though none of these events happening had been my fault at all.

Many days of suffocating silence went by and as the days went by, hubby came home later and later. The deadlock between us continues, we were living together like strangers who don't know each other. I am like the dead knot in his heart.

One day, I passed by a western restaurant, looking into the glass window, I saw hubby and a girl sitting facing each other and he very lightly brushed her hair for her, I understood what it meant. After recovering from that moment of shock, I ent! ered the restaurant, stood in front of my hubby and stared hard at him, not a tear in my eyes. I have nothing to say to him, and there is no need to say anything.

The girl looked at me, looks at hubby, stands up and wanted to go, hubby stretched out his hand and stopped her. He stared back at me, challenging me. I can only hear my slow heart beat, beating, one by one as if at the brink of death. I eventually backed down, if I had stood that any longer, I will collapse together with the baby inside me.

That night, he did not come home, he had chosen to use that as a way to indicate to me: Following mother's death, so did our love for each other. He did not come home anymore after that. Sometimes, when I returned home from work, I can tell that the cupboard had been touched - he had returned to take some of his stuff.

I no longer wish to call him; the initial desire to explain everything to him vanished.

I lived alone; I go for my me! dical checkups alone, my heart breaks again and again every time I see a guy carefully helping his wife through the physical examination. My office colleagues hinted to me to consider aborting the baby, I told them No, I will not. I insisted on having to this baby, perhaps it is my way of repaying mother for causing her death.

One day, I came home and I saw hubby sitting in the living room. The whole house was filled with cigarette smoke. On the coffee table, there was this piece of paper. I know what it is all about without even looking at it.

In the two months plus of living alone, I have gradually learned to find peace within myself. I looked at him, removed my hat and said: "You wait a while, I will sign." He looked at me, mixed feelings in his eyes, just like mine. As I hang up my coat, I keep repeating to myself "You cannot cry, you cannot cry..." my eyes hurt terribly, but I refused to let tears come out from there.

After I hung up my! coat, hubby's eyes stared fixed at my bulging tummy. I smiled, walked over to the coffee table and pull e paper towards me. Without even looking at what it says, I signed my name on it and pushed the paper to him.

"LD, you are pregnant?"

Since mother's accident, this is the first time he spoke to me. I could not control my tears any further and they fell like raindrops. I said: "Yes, but its ok, you can leave now." He did not go, in the dark, we sat, facing each other.

Hubby slowly moved over me, his tears wet the blanket. In my heart, everything seem so far away, so far that even if I sprint, I could never reach them.

I cannot remember how many times he repeated "sorry" to me, I had originally thought that I would forgive him, but now I can't. In the western restaurant, in front of that girl, that cold cold look in his eyes, I will never forget, ever. We have drawn such deep deep scares in each other's heart. For me, its uninte! ntional; for him, totally intentional.

I had been waiting for this moment of reconciliation, but I realized now, what had gone past is gone forever and could not repeated! Other than the thought of the baby inside me that would bring some warmth to my heart, I am totally cold towards him, I no longer eat anything he buys for me, I don't take any presents from him and I stopped talking to him. From the moment I signed on that piece of paper, marriage and love had vanished from my heart.

Sometimes, hubby will try to come into the bedroom, but when he walks in, I will walk out to the living room. He had no choice but to sleep in mother's room. At night, from his room, I can hear light sounds of groaning, I kept quiet. This used to be his trick; last time, whenever I ignore him, he would fake illness and I will surrender and find out what is wrong with him, he would then grab me and laugh. He have forgotten that last time, I cared for him and am concerned becau! se there is love, but now, what is there between us?

Hubby's groaning came on and off continuing all the way till baby was born. Almost everyday, he would buy something for the baby, infant products, children products and books that kids like to read. Bags and bags of it stacked inside his room till it is full. I know he is trying to use this to reach out to me, but I am no longer moved by his actions. He has no choice but to lock himself in his room and I can hear his typing away on his computer keyboard, maybe he is now addicted to web surfing, but none of that matters to me anymore.

It was sometime towards the end of spring in the following year, one late night, I screamed because of a sudden stomach pain, hubby came rushing into the room, its like he did not change and sleep, and had been waiting for this moment. He carried me and ran down the stairs, stopped a car, holding my hand very tightly and kept wiping the sweat off my brown, throughout the jour! ney to the hospital. Once we reached the hospital, he carried me and hurried into the delivery suite. Lying on the back of his skinny but warmth body, a thought crossed my mind: In my lifetime, who else would love me as much as he did?

He held the delivery suite door opened and watch me go in, his warm eyes caused me to managed a smile at him despite my contraction pain.

Coming out of the delivery room, hubby looked at me and our son, his eyes tear with joy and he kept smiling. I reached out and touched his hand.

Hubby looked at me, smiling and then he slowly collapsed onto the floor. I cried out for him in pain... He smiled, but without opening that tired eyes of his... I had thought that I would never shed any tear for him, but the truth is, I have never felt a deeper pain cutting through my body at that moment.

Doctor said that by the time hubby discovered he had liver cancer, it was already in terminal stage and it was a mira! cle that he managed to last this long. I asked the doctor when did he first discover he had cancer? Doctor said about 5 months ago and consoled me saying: "Prepare for his funeral." I disregarded the nurse's objection and rushed home, I went into his room and checked his computer, and a suffocating pain hits me.

Hubby's cancer was discovered 5 months ago, his groaning was real, and I had thought that... the computer showed over 200 thousand words he wrote for our son: "Son, just for you, I have persisted, to be able to take a look at you before I fall, is my biggest wish now... I know that in your life, you will have many happiness and maybe some setbacks, if only I can accompany you throughout that journey, how nice would it be. But daddy now no long has that chance. Daddy has written inside here all the possible difficulties and problems you may encounter during your lifetime, when you meet with these problems, you can refer to daddy's suggestion... Son, after writing! these 200 thousand words, I feel as if I have accompanied you through your life journey. To be honest, daddy is very happy. Do love your mother, she has suffered, she is the one who loves you most and also the one who loves me most..."

From play school to primary school, to secondary, university, to work
and
even in dealing with questions of love, everything big and small was written there.

Hubby has also written a letter for me:

"My dear, to marry you is my biggest happiness, forgive me for the pain I have caused you, forgive me for not telling you my illness, because I want to see you be in a joyful mood waiting for the arrival of our baby... My dear, if you cried, it means that you have forgiven me and I would smile, thank you for loving me... These presents, I'm afraid I cannot give them to our son personally, could you help me to give some of them to him every year, the dates on what to give when are all written on the packaging..."

Going back to the hospital, hubby is still in coma. I brought our son over and place him beside him. I said: "Open your eyes and smile, I want our son to remember being in the warmth of your arms..."

He struggled to open his eyes and managed a weak smile. Our son still in his arms was happily waving his tiny hands in the air. I press the button on the camera and the sound of the shutter rang thought the air as tears slowly rolled down my face...

The end...

simple and sweet

2004-09-01T10:41:00.000+08:00

hmm...a successful layout
hehe
proud of myself
heres a game "recommended" by a friend
try it.. i think it is quite fun
u may think it is lame but it helps to exercise ur fingers
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/tontie.html
hehe.. try it...

my previous blog

2004-09-01T08:55:00.000+08:00

i cant add posts to my another blog
thus i created this
sad case
haha
so happy that today is teacher's day
which means we dun have to go to school:D